Me, Myself, and I, Rebooted

After an interesting conversation with my other half today that started due to silliness with a blue ball, I felt the need to blog about ** WARNING! INCOMING TABOO DISCUSSION! WARNING! ** masturbation.

When I was about 12 or 13, an older man I knew (he was probably somewhere between 19-21 ... I couldn't tell you for sure, just that he was older than me) took it upon himself to give my friend and myself a lesson on things we should know about men. Now, don't go off the deep end thinking he did something he shouldn't have. In fact, he did something I think that everyone should do, which is be honest and upfront. He never tried anything in appropriate. The one thing I do remember from that conversation was this: any man that tells you he doesn't masturbate is lying. Of course, at the inexperienced age of 12 or 13, I had no frame of reference for this. But obviously, I filed that away for a later time.

Now that I have my own frame of reference for that comment, I have to say I agree. In fact, I would expand that to any man and most women. I do believe that there is a larger number of women that do not masturbate then men. That is neither here nor there. What I do not understand is why masturbation is taboo.

Having a healthy sex life helps one to be able to have a healthy (read balanced) life. By healthy sex life, I do not mean active ... but I also do not mean inactive. Everyone's sex drive is different. No matter how large or small one's sex drive is, if you deny that drive you spend your day not knowing why you just don't feel up to par. Some people get tired, some people get cranky, some people can't think clearly, some people have all these problems, and some people have completely different problems when they do not sate their sex drive.

As we all know, your partner's sex drive may not be the same as your own. In fact, rarely do two people always want to have sex at the same time all the time. So what should you do when your partner isn't interested. That's right! Take care of it yourself! We all prefer to have someone else participate with us, but sometimes it's just not going to happen. So why is masturbation - talking about it, doing it, saying the word even - such a taboo?

Discussion of masturbation always brings up the issue of PORN. Is it ok, is it not ok, why doesn't my partner like it if I watch porn, why does my partner hate porn, etc. But that is a completely different discussion. It may be one of the reasons that masturbation is so taboo though. Porn and masturbation go hand in hand. Like the pun?

Even without porn though, masturbation is not socially acceptable. Guys often won't admit to doing it. Girls claim it is gross - both for men or women to do. All the while, everyone's done it, everyone will do it again. If you're hungry, you feed yourself, right? If you waited for your partner to feed you every time you got hungry, you'd probably be waiting a while. If your partner jumps up to make you sammich every time you're hungry, there are major problems in your relationship; the same holds true for sex. If you partner is just waiting around for you express desire and immediately jumps to please your every whim, you've got a one sided relationship, which is not healthy.

To bring this full circle and come back around to the blue ball comment from the first sentence, I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to. And I'm sure you've all heard it or said it yourself ... 'oh baby, don't leave me hanging, I've got blueballs and you've just GOT to help me!' As a woman, to all you women out there, I hope you've never fallen for this. My response in the past has been, 'oh, they hurt huh? you sure? I can kick them for you, and then we'll be SURE they hurt'. A man can take care of his 'blueballs' just fine on his own ... it won't feel as good, but it will releave the pressure and make them not hurt. And yes, they really can hurt. They won't hurt just because a guy got turned on and then didn't get any. The man doesn't produce sperm based on being turned on ... if that were the case, we've have a lot of guys out there that would have to see a dr about that. Men produce sperm based on how much is used - sort of like supply and demand. If a man comes often enough that he runs out of sperm, the body will compensate and make more. If a man doesn't come enough to use the sperm his body has made, it is eventually absorbed back in, and more is made to replace it so the little swimmers are happy and healthy when it's their turn. Of course, that is a very basic, very non-scientific overview of the process. But that's what leads to blueballs. Too much sperm that hasn't been used - there is only so much room for it. Resolution: use the sperm. If a man has too much sperm, making his balls hurt, and he doesn't 'use it', he will literally lose it ... the body will absorb it, and not make as much from that point on. So please, ladies, don't fall for it. And men, if you haven't already, stop trying to use that line. If she's that stupid to fall for it, you could at least use some better line to con her into doing what you want her to do.

So back to the point. What it comes down to, in the end, is that sex doesn't necessarily involve a partner. Me, Myself and I can have a nice threesome without the help of anyone else. And I am not ashamed to admit it. While I much prefer for my partner to join me ... and he prefers for me to join him ... when the other person is not in the mood, we either chose not to, or have some fun with ourselves. If you are not in agreement with me, I challenge you to tell me one reason that masturbation is bad, not healthy, or wrong. There is a comment field, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

3 Signs Your Partner's Priorities Are Wrong

This was originally to be more (10 perhaps?) but it is getting too long winded, (and I haven't posted in a while!), so I will post it as is. Perhaps another 3 reason will come in the near future.

1) You're Sleeping On The Couch

       If you and your partner are sleeping separately, there is a problem in your relationship. Of course, you're going 'Duh!', but I mean a problem than way bigger than whatever fight you had that prompted the separation. All couples fight - some are calm, cool, and collected, and no one would even know they were fighting - others are knock down, drag out (hopefully not literally!) that the entire world is aware of. But even the most well adjusted couples have disagreements. If you didn't disagree on something sometime, you'd be bored. Of course, eventually, the most well adjusted couples learn one another's idiosyncrasies and learn where to give and where to stand their ground to reach a happy medium (ie, no more fighting).
     If your fights routinely lead to you (or your partner) sleeping on the couch, there is a deeper problem you need to look at. I am a big advocate for working out the little problems in a relationship instead of just giving up, but I am also a realist. Not all relationships were meant to be, and not all relationships can be fixed. Instead of fixing the little problems that lead to big fights, fix the big problem and stop having fights. This may not be easy, and you may find a few more things on this list apply to your relationship, but if you want a happy, healthy, long lasting relationship, this is a necessary step.

2) Constant Affirmations

     If your partner requires (either actively - 'tell me I'm pretty' 'does this dress make me look fat' etc - or passively - gets depressed, cries, mopes, etc if you do not give compliments often enough) constant affirmations (you're hot, you're sexy, you're so smart, you're so wonderful, you're so whatever), there is something wrong in your relationship. A relationship should not be about what you get out of it (though if you aren't getting anything, there is a problem) but what you can bring to it. If you're the only one in your relationship bringing anything to the table, then your partner's priorities are wrong. Sure, it's great to be told (and to tell someone) how amazing you (they) are, but it shouldn't be a constant thing - your friend's shouldn't get sick of hearing you say how sexy your partner is (esp if you're saying to your partner and your friends are STILL sick of hearing it). If your partner's confidence level is so invested in you telling him/her how great they are, and drops so low if you don't feed it daily, your partner probably needs professional help - and as much as you want to, you'll never be able to 'fix' him/her. The best that you will do is create a dependent relationship, that your partner cannot function properly without. The goal of a healthy relationship is to care for your partner - and your partner will be doing the same, so you both are cared for properly. If your partner isn't mentally or emotionally capable of caring for you, you will never have a healthy relationship.

3) Jealousy
 
   If your partner is jealous, there is a problem. Jealousy roots from lack of trust. Whether that is trust in you or trust in relationships as a whole, the fact that your partner cannot trust means that your partner can never have a healthy relationship. Whatever it was that happened to your partner to make your partner become a jealous person, it is not something you did (at least it better not be! if it is, there is a whole NEW set of problems in your relationship!) The past is the past - even though what has happened in the past colors ones actions in the present, the past is not the future .... unless you make it so. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example: I say, for no reason at all, next Sunday night, I am going to be sad. There is no reason for it; there is nothing I know of in the future that will be happening that will make me be sad on Sunday night. Sunday night is just the same as every other normal Sunday night from the very beginning of my life. But all week long, I say 'I just KNOW on Sunday night, I will be sad' ... and lo and behold, come Sunday night, I am sad for no reason at all. See? I told you that it would happen! But if I hadn't told you, if I hadn't thought about over and over all week, do you think I would have been sad? The same thing is true with jealousy. If your partner constantly worries that there is a reason to be jealous - ie, you will cheat or you will leave him/her - then your partner will push you away, and in the end, you will cheat or leave your partner. Jealousy is poison to a relationship. Usually it is slow, seeping poison that changes the relationship in ways you don't see at the time, in ways you only see and recognize when you look back at the end ... when all is said and done and the relationship is over. If you have jealousy in your relationship - whether it is your partner being jealous, or you being jealous yourself - root that out. Remove it from your relationship. It isn't something that can be done overnight, but it is something that must be done if you want your relationship to survive. If your partner cannot trust you, how can you trust your partner? I recommend this for some more reading: http://terreas.blogspot.com/2009/07/marriagea-treastise.html

  And though I don't like to be a doomsayer, there are only two types of people that are violent in a relationship: mean (cruel) people who cannot love ... and jealous people.

What is the Most Important Factor in a Healthy Relationship

There are a number of things that could be argued to be the most important factor in a healthy relationship, but what is the #1 Most Important Factor? It seems that if you knew the key to this, all your relationships would be happy and healthy, and you'd be able make your relationship last forever, right? Trust is always important, but is it the most important thing? Compromise is necessary, but can a relationship survive if on compromise alone? Of course, love is necessary too, but that should never need to be brought to a relationship, only held on to. So what is the most important factor in a healthy relationship?

Honesty. Open and complete honesty. 

If you have chosen one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to tell them anything and everything. Some professionals (and non-professionals) will argue that a relationship should have its secrets, but I do not believe this is the case. It may be hard to tell your partner something, and perhaps detailed recollections of your past relationships or sexual encounters should be avoided, but if you have something on your mind, weighing on your heart, you should be able to share with your partner. 

You may feel that your partner should feel comfortable telling you everything. And if you find that he or she is not, your first reaction may be to feel offended. Why wouldn't they feel comfortable telling you something? You're the one person they SHOULD feel comfortable with! You're the person they will be spending the rest of their life with. But just because they SHOULD be comfortable, doesn't mean they aren't self conscious. And sometimes there are things that it seems harder to share with your partner. Whether it is because you're afraid to disappoint, you feel that you suddenly will not be the man or woman they thought you were, or you do not want to burden your partner - telling your partner is something you just downright dread. As much as it terrifies you, you - and your partner - will feel better for it. If your partner reacts badly, perhaps he or she is not the right person for you - or is not really ready for a long-term relationship.

I recommend, even if you don't feel that your partner might be holding back, you take the time to let them know it IS OK. Take a few minutes, take your partner's hand, and tell him or her that it is OK to say ANYTHING at all, and you will not judge. And if he or she doesn't want to talk right now, or has nothing to say right now, that all he or she has to do is let you know when it is the right time. 

Me, Myself, and I

Who Am I?

I am a 30something (it's not nice to ask a lady her age or her weight ;) ) mother of two. I hold a BS in English, and I have worked a myriad of jobs - everything from restaurants, to girl's treatment facility, to MHMR live-in facility, to residential and business tech support. My daughter is 8, and she looks just like me. She is a product of my first marriage. My son is 1, and he is the most adorable, curious, happy little boy I've ever seen (but of course, I'm likely somewhat biased).

Yes, you read that right, I am a divorcee.

So Who Am I?

So now you're wondering why in the world you should bother to read what I have to say. I don't have a psych or social science related degree. I have been married and divorced and will (in the nearish future) be married again. Wouldn't it stand to reason that I am in no position to give anyone ideas on relationships?

I don't know about you, but I don't want to get advice from someone that only knows how things work right. I want to get advice from someone that knows all the ways you can screw something up, and then put it back together to make it work again. What are the potential pitfalls I might be facing? How might I be able to avoid these pitfalls? How do I get out if I am already in the middle of a mess?

Even if you're still skeptic, please bear with me. Give a few blogs a read, wait a week or two and see what I have to say before you decide. I promise to do my best to give you some food for thought.

Hello World

We all know what a blog is by now. It seems everyone has one. Except me, apparently. But everything is about to change. Welcome to my blog.

One of the reasons I never started a blog before was because everything I could think of to blog about was inconsequential. I'm not a foodie - while I like food, no one cares what I had for dinner (except maybe the dog). I'm not a 'fashionista' - while I've set some trends in my time (why wear a t-shirt when you can put the same saying on your pleather pants in the form of bumper stickers?), I am not on the cutting edge of fashion. And Grandma is the only one that cares about what silly antics my children and cats are up to today. But as I peruse the social media in my free time (which is way too much right now), I realize that perhaps I do have something to write about that other people might want to read. I don't know if it is just the people in my 'friend's' list or if there is a lack of anyone else writing, but it seems the only relationship advice blogs/articles I see are "Christian" - i.e. put God first and everything else second. While that's fine and all, it leaves a huge percentage of people don't want to read it for whatever reason. So this is not a place you'll find religion. This is a place where you will find thoughts and ideas of one woman in regards to love, sex, and relationships. Perhaps it will help you. Perhaps my other half will be the only one that reads my blogs. Either way, dear reader, please standby for blogs that will (hopefully) make you think (reflect) on your own relationships and how they can be the best that they can be.